I’m just going to vent on Tumblr because I really don’t want to push the subject but sometimes I really just need to get things off my chest.

As much as my subconscious might coerce you into doing things you don’t want to do, one subject I really try to stay away from despite how much it means to me, is marriage. As a girlfriend and the mother of your unborn daughter, I feel irrelevant.

Especially on nights like tonight…

It’s one o’clock in the morning and you’re out at the bar and I just keep thinking that if I did things the right way and got married first, then maybe you would be home with me right now. My parents got a divorce when I was around 7 years old but up until that point, I’m more than satisfied with my memories of us as a family. I remember being with Mom until around 6 o’clock at night when Dad came home. We ate dinner as a family, my sister and I took baths, and Mom and Dad both tucked us into bed around 9 o’clock. I imagine after that they spent time together as a couple. It seems like its so simple, like that’s just how it should be… black and white, plain as day. That is how a family should function. As a wife, Mom should be taking care of us and as a husband, Dad should be working and coming home every night to his family.

However, I am not a wife. I am a live-in girlfriend, maybe even just a mere “baby mama”. So, where does my opinion stand with that? How far does that go? Does a live-in girlfriend get to tell her boyfriend that he can’t go to the bar every weekend while she stays home 9 months pregnant? Does a “baby mama” get to put her foot down and say that it’s not okay to come home at 2 o’clock in the morning? Apparently not. But why not? Why should a document signed by a judge declaring me a wife carry so much power, and why does the lack of one cause me to hold so many resentments? And then another question comes to mind… If I were a wife, would that even change? Or is this just some fantasy marriage from the 50s that I’m imagining? I feel so justified in my opinion but it might just be the hormones, or maybe I really am just crazy. I really just want to matter, and I want you to want to appeal to my feelings. But maybe the mother of your child doesn’t deserve that much.